For the longest time I thought that I wasn’t good enough, but I guess that changed.
I am finally at peace with who I am in a lot of ways.
What I want and what I deserve are finally the same.
P.s. This was not meant to be a poem, but hey. It’s whatever.
My friends were picking what everyone in our circle was and they told me I was the conscience. I get it now. If I care about someone, I think about how much the things I do effect them in such detail and I do what I think is right for the long run, even if they don’t understand or like it. I think about all sides, even if I don’t agree with some point of views in particular. I also tell the truth no matter what, I could never lie to someone just to hurt them or help them. And that’s for anyone. Even if it takes me some time to figure out the truth, I will tell it. Even if it hurts me in the process. And then I ask myself why I have to be so rational, it makes life so complicated sometimes. But on the other hand, I don’t think I’d have the friends I have if it weren’t for the way I was. So if being who I am just makes my life complicated, so be it. I like it this way.
I’m only looking out for myself from now on, not whats in everyone else’s best interest. I live my life being so sensitive to everyone else’s feelings that I just never put my own on the table and I wind up bottling everything up to the point where I just explode like a crazy person. And I’ve decided Im not going to do that anymore because the friends I have that let me express my emotions and tell them how I feel about anything, even negative shit that we think about each other, those are the best friends I’ll ever have. Because you’ll always have negative thoughts/feelings about people, there are only a select few who actually understand that they don’t come from bad intentions. It’s just how you feel, and you can never help that.
It was such a perfectly awesome day today, haven’t had one of these days in a really long time. Hopefully my friends and I can come together and just do shit instead of spending like 3 hours deciding what to do so we can have a lot more great memories like the ones made today.
So still thinking about what happened on New Year’s Eve. Found out some things from one of my friends, a girl who is amazing and from what I thought, completely straight. Then she gives me the impression that she likes me more than just friends, and I get the whole “Im confused about my sexuality” and “I just got out of a long-term relationship” thing. Totally understandable. And being that we were both fucked up, I let it slide and just kept saying “I only want to be friends, we’ll talk when we’re sober.” Now if she had just taken it back when she was sober, which I thought would be the case, I honestly would have just overlooked it and went about my business. But she didn’t, she told me “not all of those feelings were drunk feelings.” I didn’t ask about it because I could see she was a little confused. Honestly being friends with her is more than enough. But that unfinished conversation just made me think, is all.
When I start getting attached to a girl I try to find reasons why they wouldn’t like me and I tell myself to push them away. But I really don’t want to do that anymore. But I’m so used to getting to the point where I actually like someone and they tell me to fuck off. But I can’t let myself do this anymore. Maybe being attached is good sometimes, even if it hurts like hell in the end because it shows you who you truly are when you can’t even begin to know yourself. Because maybe you’ve even pushed yourself away for so many years it’s the only thing you know. And even if they push you away, you’ve learned to accept that it may be the end of that story, but you now have so many other stories you can begin because you’ve learned that sometimes people don’t push people away. Sometimes they stay. Because you stayed.
Does anyone remember that game where you had an elephant and it would blow butterflies out of its trunk and you had to catch them with a net? Like who came up with that? I want to meet them and have a long and meaningful conversation with them because it sounds like they would be an awesome person to do so with.
Physical beauty was never what attracted me to someone else, at least not for long. Flowing conversations, undoubted honesty, meaning in the silence, and most of all, when someone can be themselves around me so completely that I don’t even have to try to be myself, it’s just always there. And they know that.
That’s what attracts me.
So if you have to ask why we stopped talking.
And then you ask if it was because you weren’t pretty enough.
The answer is no.
You were just too busy wondering if you were pretty enough instead of showing me that you can be more than just pretty. That’s why.